This week in dwarf fortress:
- Furniture problems: At first, there was not enough furniture. Now there is too much. The dwarves have created a storage area to keep furniture from overflowing the stockpiles.
- The Office(s): If someone made a sitcom about a dwarf office they’d have created an awful program about dark and empty rooms. Nobles ask for their own office with an adjoining bedroom and dining room, but I’ve yet to see any of them actually using their office.
- Where’s the food?: The farming area is never big enough, so more and more farms are being dugout to help feed the dwarves and maintain a steady level of alcohol production.
- Crazed Water Buffalo stops dwarfs from drinking: A Water buffalo went crazy and scared many dwarves away from their favourite watering hole.
- Child Snatchers Strike!: Leaving all of your possessions can encourage thieves. Luckily the dwarves have nothing worth stealing; except children, apparently.
- The Flames of Roughness: To prevent the theft of children, the dwarves have formed a militia. They have called themselves ‘The Flames of Roughness’ and they are as menacing as they sound
Everything was ticking along smoothly for the dwarfs. They had created farms, workshops, bedrooms and offices. They were safe in their fortress; they had a mighty stone drawbridge to keep invaders out. The drawbridge was so trusted, so sturdy, that they knew they would only need a small military. If there was any trouble, they’d simply hide behind their mighty door.
When Goblins were spotted in the distance, the dwarves calmly switched the lever to raise the drawbridge. I waited and watched the goblins approach. The fools! Little did they know that the entrance to the mighty dwarf fortress was blocked.
Except it wasn’t. The door wasn’t there. To this day I have no idea what happened to that mighty door. Perhaps it was dismantled by mistake? Maybe it vanished? I knew now that this would be the end of the dwarf fortress series.
The goblins were led by a goblin lasher, who slowly moved into the fortress. Below ground, the dwarves were holed up in the meeting area, desperately trying to create a new bridge.
As the lasher inched forward, it seemed that the fortress was over. All that was left to do was to watch as the goblins invaded and killed everyone inside. But then it happened. The fortress was saved. It seemed that it wouldn’t work, but at the last second, the fortress was saved by a simple weapon trap.
The goblin leader had been sliced in half by a giant iron cerated disk, and his body was left on the fortress floor. The goblin invaders saw the gruesome corpse of their leader and fled. The fortress was saved!
The dwarves forgot all about the bridge they were building and went back to their work, all of them slightly annoyed at being forced into such a small space with so many dwarves.